Just the other day, I was reading my dad’s obituary and realized how blessed and fortunate I was to be the daughter of Willie B. McIntosh Sr. We may not have been financially rich, but the love and discipline we received were priceless. My daddy always made sure we had everything we needed to succeed.
He retired from Ford Motor Company after 35 years, but his contributions went far beyond his day job. On Sunday mornings, he was an announcer and DJ, playing gospel music and interviewing various quartets. He was also the master of ceremonies at evening church concerts. Additionally, he had a side hustle preparing taxes.
We were known as The McIntosh girls, and our daddy did not play. There were no grey areas; right was right, and wrong was wrong. He loved poetry and taught us several short poems, such as ‘The Minute Poem.’ He was a proud Black man who took great pride in how he dressed, spoke in public, and maintained his manicured lawn. My daddy was very active in the church as the Superintendent of the Sunday school and member of the Deacon and trustees boards, and he sang in the choir with a beautiful tenor voice that resonated throughout the congregation.
I vividly remember my sisters telling the story of how a white man once rolled up on my daddy and asked who the owner of our house was. My daddy proudly stated, “I am.” We lived in a big white house that, to me, seemed as grand as the White House in Washington, DC.
I can still smell the sweet cherry scent of the pipe he smoked outdoors.
My daddy (aka Chips) was the first man to demonstrate to me how a man should treat his queen.
So many memories and lessons learned and some I had to unlearn as I grew older and learned that I had a voice too!
I love you, Chips!
Losing a father can be a deeply personal and complex experience, heavily influenced by the nature of your relationship with him. Here’s a guide to navigating grief and honoring your father based on different types of relationships:
Coping with the Loss of Your Father
Actively Present Father:
Feelings: You might feel a profound sense of loss, emptiness, and longing.
Coping Strategies: Allow Yourself to Grieve: Give yourself permission to feel the pain and sorrow.
Talk about Him: Share memories with family and friends to keep his memory alive.
Journaling: Write about your feelings and memories to process your grief.
Present but Not Active Father:
Feelings: Your grief might be mixed with feelings of what could have been or regrets over missed opportunities.
Coping Strategies:
Acknowledge Your Feelings: It is okay to have mixed emotions. Recognize and validate them.
Seek Closure: Write a letter to him expressing your thoughts and unresolved feelings.
Therapy: Consider talking to a therapist to navigate complex emotions.
Not Present nor Active Father
Feelings: You might experience confusion, anger, or a lack of connection to your grief.
Coping Strategies:
Understand Your Grief: Accept that your feelings are valid, even if they are not what you expected.
Connect with Others: Seek support from others who understand complicated grief.
Reflect on Your Identity: Focus on who you are despite the relationship with your father.
Getting Support
Friends and Family: Lean on those who knew your father and understand your loss.
Support Groups: Join a grief support group where you can share and listen to others who have lost a parent.
Therapy: Professional counseling can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and find coping strategies.
Online Communities: Participate in forums or social media groups dedicated to grief support.
Honoring Your Father
Create Traditions: Establish new traditions that remind you of your father. This could be an annual family gathering, cooking his favorite meals, or visiting his favorite places.
Memory Book: Compile photos, stories, and mementos in a scrapbook or digital album.
Acts of Kindness: Perform acts of kindness in his name, such as volunteering or helping those in need.
Memorial Projects: Plant a tree, dedicate a bench, or create something meaningful that will stand as a tribute to him.
Celebrate Milestones: On significant dates, like his birthday or the anniversary of his passing, take time to honor him in a special way.
Navigating Complicated Feelings
Acceptance: Accept that your feelings are valid, even if they are complex or conflicting.
Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and understand that grief is a process that takes time.
Balance: Find a balance between grieving and engaging in life. Allow yourself moments of joy and normalcy amidst the sorrow.
Grieving the loss of a father is a unique journey for everyone. By acknowledging your feelings, seeking support, and finding meaningful ways to honor him, you can navigate this challenging time with grace and resilience.
Dr. Portia Lockett
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